I need to give you a heads-up: any time a woman tries to change a man, she should expect resistance. Generally men think of themselves as independent, self-sufficient beings and are really quite averse to being told what to do. Now, I know that you’re not telling your husband what to do, but he might see it that way. Most men have radar for anything that even remotely feels like control and will resist it at any cost, even if what you’re suggesting makes perfect sense and would be beneficial to him. And when you heap on top of that the fact that you are addressing his sexuality, his ego might get extremely bruised, and if so, he will become defensive. I will help you approach your husband so that he will respond positively.  Here are some tips.

Passion-Boosting Tips

Be Loving

I know how much your husband’s lack of interest in being sexual with you hurts and even angers you. However, if you approach him when you have anger in your heart, you will be transmitting those feelings. Even if you’re not saying you’re angry, he’ll know. Before you approach your husband, you have to center yourself and come from a place of love and caring. Remember that no matter how upset you’ve been about all of this, he’s been upset too. Even if sex isn’t all that important to him right now, the fact that it’s been such an issues between the two of you is wearing him down. Find some compassion, and take a deep breath before you speak to him.

Timing Is Everything

Regardless of what you wish to discuss with your husband, it’s important to choose the right time. I know there’s never a right time to talk about this heated issue, but trust me on this one: some times are better than others. You might begin, “I have something important to talk to you about. Is now a good time?” If he says yes, then let’er rip. If he growls no, ask him when he would prefer speaking with you. Then- assuming he doesn’t respond, “In a decade,” or something equally ridiculous – honor his suggestion.

Use “I-Messages”

One of the best ways to avoid defensiveness in others is to use “I-messages.” When you use I-messages, you talk about your thoughts and feelings rather than comment on what you believe your husband is thinking or feeling. Here’s an example. Instead of saying, “I’ve asked you to read a book with me, and every time you say ‘No,’ you’re just being controlling,” you say, “I feel hurt when you turn down my suggestions to read a book together. It would really mean a lot to me for us to do this together.” Or instead of saying, “Since you haven’t gone to a doctor, it’s clear that you don’t care about my feelings,” you say, “When you choose not to go to a doctor, I feel as if I’m not important to you.” Talk about how you feel and avoid accusing, assuming, mind-reading, or diagnosing your husband. Then allow your husband to respond to your comments. He may not agree with your perspective, and that’s okay. Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are. Listen and acknowledge what you hear him say. For example, if he tells you that he won’t read a book with you because he thinks that’s a stupid idea, you might respond, “I know that you think reading a book together would be stupid, and maybe it would. But it’s something I would really like to try.” Don’t become defensive or tell him he’s wrong. Just continue sharing your feelings and your request.

Take Ownership of Your Feelings

Throughout your conversation, remember that regardless of how your husband responds, do not blame, criticize, or condemn him. You might even admit that you’ve been overly focused on sex recently because you’ve been missing him so much. Assume responsibility for what you’re feeling rather than point to his inadequacies. Make sure he doesn’t feel attacked. He needs to believe that you are on his side, no matter how challenging that might be.

Next, you should set some solution-oriented goals.  Solution-oriented goals are goals that contain within them the seeds for solution. Here are three necessary criteria for developing solution-oriented goals:

Think About What You Want, Not What You’re Unhappy About

When I ask people about their goals, they rarely tell me what they want. If I were to ask you what marriage problems you’re hoping to solve, you might say, “I wish my husband weren’t so into himself and oblivious to me.” Although this might make sense to you, you’re focused on what makes you miserable, not what you want to see happen. A solution-oriented approach might be, “I would really like it if my husband paid more attention to me in the evening. I’d like it if he would flirt with me once in a while. All he has to do is to tell me I’m looking good, or he could grab my butt when I’m cooking.” This response spells out what you want to have happen in your marriage as opposed to what you want to eliminate.

 So instead of telling your husband, “I’m really unhappy about our lack of touching,’ you might say, “I love it when you kiss and hug me before we go to bed at night. That feels really good to me. I wish you’d do that more often.”

Make Your Requests Action Oriented

When you say to your husband, “I wish you didn’t ignore me when you come home,” you’re focusing on the problem. In addition, it’s not clear exactly what you’d like your husband to do. No one is a mind reader, and you have to spell out in black-and-white terms what it is that you want and need.

An action-oriented request is, “I would really appreciate it if you asked me to spend time with you in bed in the evenings. We don’t necessarily have to make love; it would just be nice to snuggle once or twice a week.” Here’s another illustration.

Instead of saying, “Why can’t you be more romantic?” you might say, “I would really like it if you asked me out on a sexy date once a month. You would agree to call the babysitter and find a new, romantic restaurant that we could try. I would also love getting e-mail from you once in a while. We used to have some hot exchanges, and it would be fun to get that e-mail again.” Try it, and see what happens.

Go Slowly

Don’t bite off more than you can chew. You need to break your ultimate goal down into steps- things your husband can accomplish within a week or so. Too many women ask for gigantic changes that might be reasonable but would take weeks, if not months, to carry out. By breaking goals down into small, doable chunks, success becomes more likely. And nothing breeds success like success. Here’s an example:

Deanne felt that her husband, Vic, was incredibly inhibited when they made love. He would consent to be sexual only when the lights were off and if they made love in the missionary position. And no kissing, please. Since they had been married for over fifteen years, she felt that their lovemaking had become stale, and she was increasingly upset by this. When Deanne realized that she was starting to fantasize about another man at work, she knew it was time to do something constructive about her marriage, so she decided to confront Vic with her unhappiness.

Deanne told her husband that she wanted more variety and intimacy in their lovemaking. She clarified that by saying that she wanted to kiss him and take at least fifteen minutes for foreplay where they fondled and caressed each other. She also said that she had purchased new lingerie and wanted him to see her in it. This would necessitate keeping the light on.

Fortunately, Vic was open to hearing Deanne’s requests and even shared some of his sexual hang-ups. So far, so good. But then Deanne told Vic that he didn’t need to feel uncomfortable – that they could be experimental and try lots of positions in the upcoming weeks. That’s when their conversation headed downhill because Vic felt overwhelmed.

When Deanne had approached Vic, they were having sex once every two weeks at most; now it sounded to Vic that Deanne was going to initiate sex more frequently than usual. Plus, it appeared to him that she was going to insist that they experiment with novelty each and every time and that kissing – something they rarely had done together – was going to be a routine part of their lovemaking from then on.

While all this sounded great to Deanne (and probably you too), Vic got scared: although he was willing to change, it sounded like too much, too soon. Instead, it would have been helpful for Deanne to say, “Vic, I enjoy having sex with you. I would just like it to be a bit more creative. Here are some thing we could do that will make a big difference to me [and list the action-oriented changes]. We don’t have to do all of them at once time. Why don’t we start off by agreeing to keep the lights on the next time we make love and start off with a few kisses?”

This approach sounds less threatening to a man who, for whatever reasons, is cautious in the bedroom. Ultimately he might need to talk to a therapist about his sexual inhibitions, but starting slowly is the best way to go, no matter what the problem.

And one more thing. When you’re deciding what you’re going to ask from your husband, make sure it’s something he can do in a relatively short period, such as a week. Ask yourself, “What will be the very first sign that things are starting to be on the right track?” Accomplishing small steps is important because nothing breeds success like success.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

Look Before You Leap: Divorce Isn’t All That It’s Cracked Up to Be

When people divorce they have visions of better lives. Old problems will vanish, they hope, as new dreams take their place. These dreams usually include meeting candidates for more intimate relationships, more compatible sexual partners, improved financial status, more freedom to pursue personal goals and new opportunities to make independent choices. As explained above, these dreams frequently do not materialize, creating a whole new set of problems. Even when desired changes do occur, they are not without unintended consequences. Here are some frequent but unexpected consequences of divorce.

Money Matters

If you are a woman, the statistics are bleak. Lenore Weitzman, a sociologist who conducted an extensive study of divorced families, wrote in her book The Divorce Revolution that one year after divorce, women’s standard of living decreases by 73 percent while men’s increases by 42 percent. Furthermore, alimony is a thing of the past. Women seldom are awarded it. Weitzman writes:

“These apparently simple statistics have far-reaching social and economic consequences. For most women and children, divorce means precipitous downward mobility – both economically and socially. The reduction in income brings residential moves and inferior housing, drastically diminished or nonexistent funds for recreation and leisure, and intense pressures due to inadequate time and money.”

Unfortunately, all too often, effects of changing financial status are overlooked, minimized or denied.

Where is Mr. Right?

There are other disadvantages to being a newly divorced woman. According to the Census Bureau, divorced women are far less likely to remarry than divorced men. Forty percent of the women who divorce after age thirty do not remarry. A portion of those who do not remarry may do so by choice, but many say that the pool of marriage-minded men available to these women has been shrinking. It seems that many men in similar age brackets are marrying younger women.

Imagine how shocking it is to the woman who leaves a marriage hoping to find intimacy and romance in the perfect new mate and finds herself alone instead. Loneliness is a frequent complaint in my therapy practice. “How do I meet someone if I can’t stand the bar scene?” is the $64,000 question

Being Single Again Isn’t All That It’s Cracked Up to Be

There is a line in a popular country and western song by K.T. Oslin that goes, “Don’t kiss me like we’re married, kiss me like we’re lovers.” The newly divorced often look forward to the excitement of playing the field. The routine and boredom of married life gives way to the titillation of being single again. What they do not anticipate and what many veterans of single life have discovered is that being single again isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Fear of rejection, fear of AIDS, learning about and adjusting to a new person’s idiosyncrasies, struggling to trust again, all make single life a real challenge. Many people find themselves yearning for the very stability they left behind.

While most people do not naively assume that the adjustment period after divorce will be easy, they don’t expect the intense loneliness and depression that often follows. Judith Wallerstein’s long-term study of divorced couples revealed that even one decade after their divorce, many people still had not completely recovered:

“With typical optimism, we wanted to believe that time would mute feelings of hurt and anger, that time itself heals all wounds, and that time automatically diminishes feelings or memories; that hurt and depression are overcome; or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish. Some experiences are just as painful ten years later; some memories haunt us for a lifetime. People go on living but just because they have lived ten more years does not mean they have recovered from the hurt. (Wallerstein and Blakeslee, 1989.)

No matter how badly a person wants a divorce, there are usually feelings of remorse about the failed relationship – especially in cases where couples have been married for many years. Looking at photographs of memorable occasions and wonderful vacations together, rereading once-cherished love letters, glancing at sentimental memorabilia, all arouse feelings of sadness and loss.

Frequently, people in the throes of divorcing are too angry and antagonistic to acknowledge these emotions, which lay dormant until the divorce proceedings have ended and the dust has settled. Then even the most zealous divorce seekers often report a sense of failure and personal loss. Even when the decision to divorce is firm, there is no escaping the sadness.

So, if you’re someone who is thinking about divorce, think twice. No, actually think again and again and again. Instead, use that energy to save your marriage.  Solutions to your seemingly unsolvable problems might lie right under your nose.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

As a psychology student, I had the opportunity (if that’s what you want to call it) to observe how quickly rats learn by observing them as they searched through mazes looking for a piece of hidden cheese. We can take a lesson from these rats.

You have a maze that contains five tunnels. Take a piece of cheese and place it down tunnel number four. Release a hungry rat and initially the rat will explore the tunnels looking for the cheese. As soon as it discovers the cheese is down tunnel number four, it will begin its search there each time. As long as you continue placing the cheese down tunnel number four, it will ignore all the other tunnels and only go down tunnel number four. However, if you change things and place the cheese down a different tunnel, the rat will very quickly switch gears and search the other tunnels.

Now, it is said that the only difference between rats and human beings is that human beings will go down tunnel number four for the rest of their lives because they will tell themselves, “I know this is the right tunnel. It’s got to be here. I know I’m right.” People are more intent on proving to themselves that they’re right than they are in achieving their goals! A friend of mine says that human beings will even set up lawn chairs outside of tunnel number four waiting for the cheese to arrive! Funny, isn’t it?

When it comes to pursuing the cheeseless tunnels in our lives, it isn’t very funny at all. It makes us miserable and weakens our marriages. Why? Because when you do more of what hasn’t been working, you not only fail to eliminate the problems in your life, you actually make things worse. How?

When we’re unhappy in our marriages, we do something to try to fix the situation. If we’re successful, life goes on. If we’re not successful, instead of telling ourselves, “That didn’t work, better try something new,” we simply keep doing more of the same.  Often, because we assume that we weren’t emphatic enough, we even step up our efforts, and try it “one more time with feeling.”  That’s when real trouble begins.

The wife who wants her husband to be more communicative sits him down and tells him she’s unhappy about his aloofness.  He empathetically acknowledges her concern.  But the next morning at the breakfast table, he picks up the newspaper and starts reading.  She tells herself that she probably didn’t make herself clear so, once again, she tells him of her dissatisfaction.  Now, he feels she’s nagging so he withdraws even more – which prompts her to lecture him again.  Feeling badgered, he leaves the room and she follows him, crying.  The more she pursues the more he withdraws.  The more he withdraws, the more she pursues.

Consider Sue and Sam.  They had major disagreements about how to handle their teenage son, Larry.  Sue thought Sam was too strict, whereas Sam thought Sue was too lenient.  Every time Sam laid down the law, Sue would intervene and undermine his plan.  This enraged Sam, and he became even harsher with Larry.  Seeing Sam scold Larry prompted Sue to defend Larry more emphatically, which, in turn, triggered an even harsher response in Sam.  Sue didn’t realize how her intervention brought out the worst in Sam.  Sam didn’t realize how his hotheaded approach with Larry triggered Sue’s interfering behavior.  They were both doing more of the same, and their family life deteriorated.

Sometimes the very thing you do to solve the problem – the strategy you use or the coping mechanism that comes naturally to you – is what’s actually prompting your partner to persist and escalate the annoying behavior.  I’ve seen this happen in my practice all the time.

The first thing you need to know here is that everybody in the world engages in “more of the same” behavior.  We all do it.  I do it.  You do it.  Your spouse does it.  Your neighbor does it.  Everyone does it.  In fact, I would say that the reason you do what you do to solve problems is because it’s the most logical thing to do.  You may have done a lot of research and you’re convinced it’s the “best” thing to do.  But just because your plan of attack is logical, doesn’t mean it is going to be effective.  I can’t tell you how many couples I see who stay stuck in the same marital problems for years because each spouse is convinced that s/he is right, and therefore, is unwilling to try a new approach.  Never mind that it isn’t working!

Have you and your partner had arguments where you say and do the same exact things each time the disagreement pops up?  You make your point, your spouse defends him or herself, you do the same, and you’re off and running.  You can predict with great accuracy every expression on your partner’s face and the precise words s/he will use.  Your partner can do the same thing about you.  You’ve had these arguments so many times you’ve memorized the entire scene.  You know your spouse’s lines so well, if s/he got sick, you could be the understudy.  I sometimes jokingly think that instead of doing the same old argument over and over couples should just say to each other, “Honey, we haven’t done argument # 7 for a long time, why don’t we do it tonight?”

Here are a few of the topics that prompt “more of the same behavior” in couples:

• Money matters
• Children/stepchildren
• Sex
• How free time is spent
• Extended family issues (mothers-in-law, sisters, brothers, etc.)
• Household chores
• Communication

Get the picture?  Sometimes, it’s not the topic that pushes your “more of the same” buttons, it’s the time of day, week, month, or year.  For example, lots of couples find themselves doing “more of the same” during the “bewitching hour,” in the evening when people take off their career hats and put on their family hats.  That’s when the phone rings, the doorbell sounds, the kids are fighting, and the grilled cheese sandwich starts burning on the stove top.  Couples tell me that even though they can and do anticipate the tension during the bewitching hour, they always approach it in the exactly same way, a way that adds to the chaos.  Sound familiar?  Here are some other time-related triggers:

• Bill payment time
• Holidays
• Mornings as everyone is rushing out the door
• Visits from out-of-towners
• Winters when the sun doesn’t shine
• PMS time (sorry, women)
• During an extra-heavy workload period
• Every Sunday night before the work/school week

I imagine that you can conjure some images of the scenes that have taken place in your house that have been instant replays.  I also imagine that you have told yourself time and time again, “I can’t believe how stubborn s/he is.”  Right?  Well, my friend, the more stubborn you think your spouse is, the more stubbornly you have adhered to doing more of the same.  It’s time to be honest with yourself and identify your own cheeseless tunnel.  Get out your penicl and answer the following questions.  Don’t fudge.

Think of a troublesome situation or argument that arises on a regular basis.  What is it about?  If you can think of more than one, write that down too.

1. What is your usual way of handling it?  What do you say?  What do you do?
2. What’s your partner’s usual way of handling it?  What does s/he say and do?
3. When your partner stubbornly makes his/her point or acts a certain way, what do you typically do in return?

If you are having any difficulty answering the questions above, answer the following question.  Although you may not agree with your partner on this point, what would s/he say you do that drives him/her nuts in regards to this problem?

By now you should have a pretty good idea about the strategies you’ve been using that are worth abandoning.  They’re not worth doing if they aren’t bring you closer to your spouse and helping you to feel more love in your life.

In every situation that arises in your marriage, it would be great if you could take a deep breath before you do anything and ask yourself, “What is my goal here?”  Are you hoping to feel closer to your spouse  Are you expecting to spend the evening together peacefully?  Once your goal is in sight, ask yourself another question.  “Is what I’m about to do going to bring me closer or move me farther away from my goal?”  If the answer is “closer,” then, by all means, stick with your plan.  If the answer is, “farther away” stop.  Do not proceed.  Do something different instead.

Now that you’ve had a chance to think about what you do that is unproductive, you can no longer pretend you don’t know how you have been contributing to the problems you’ve been experiencing.  I want you to make a commitment to becoming more conscious of the times when you are only making matters worse by stubbornly sticking to what you know isn’t working.  More important, I want you to promise that you will try your very best to become solution-oriented and more creative and try something really different when the same old situation pops up again.  And it will.   The great thing about marriage is that it gives you a lot of opportunities to practice and get things right!

I know that some people get really nervous when I tell them to switch gears because they’re afraid they might inadvertently make matters worse.  If you’re nervous, don’t be.  These new tunnels can ultimately save your marriage.  Trust me on this one.  The only way you can really screw things up is to continue doing what you know backfires.  That’s the only formula for disaster.  Most other alternatives are filled with possibilities.  Give it a shot!!

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

Just as promised, here are a couple more videos from my Marriage Breakthrough DVD.  Also the rest of the Save Your Marriage: Marriage Breakthrough clips can be found on YouTube.  Enjoy.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

I am featuring parts of the Marriage Breakthrough Seminar because I want people to know that, although relationships don’t come with instruction manuals, there is much that can be learned about making marriages work.  No one is born knowing how to create a successful relationship.  We learn about marriage by watching our own parents’ marriages and let’s face it, many of us didn’t have great role models.  But the good news is that relationship skills can be taught and learned. The Marriage Breakthrough is a seminar I offer that offers couples the skills they need to build on what’s positive in their lives and improve what hasn’t been working. Regardless of how challenging one’s marriage has been, I want to spread the word that there’s hope.  Skills and information combined with hope equates to loving, healthy marriages.  That’s what we do at the Divorce Busting Centers. We’re hope mongers!

With that said, I’ve uploaded a lot of the content from this seminar to the Divorce Busting YouTube Page, and will be adding more here for your convenience.  The full-length DVD comes with additional exercises, real life examples, and more tips on how to strengthen your marriage.  If you like what you see in the clips I’ve provided, then I recommend getting the Marriage Breakthrough DVD, and visiting the Divorce Busting Store for additional products designed to save marriages and stop divorce.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

A couple’s problems unfold in the same way, at the same time, in the same location much of the time. Arguments become highly patterned and once these patterns are discernible, any minor change might yield different results. To help you identify what to change, pay attention to the pattern the problem takes by asking yourself the following four, “What, Where, When and Who” questions. As you respond to these questions, you will see that problems can be resolved by altering the way the problem is handled (who, what) or by changing the contest (where, when) in which the problem regularly occurs.

1. What Have You Been Doing to Try to Make Things Better? What Are Your “More of the Same” Behaviors?

From your spouse’s perspective, exactly what have you been doing lately in order to solve a particular problem? Would your spouse say that you have been nagging a lot lately? Or would he say that you have been withdrawn? Would she say that you’re outspoken or that you keep your thoughts to yourself? Does your spouse use a pet phrase to describe your way of handling things? If so, what is it? It is essential that you identify how your spouse sees you because your behavior has been triggering him or her to react in ways you dislike.

Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Imagine what he or she has thought and felt about your problem-solving efforts. If you were not present in the room and your spouse was asked, “How has he or she been acting lately in regard to the problems the two of you have been experiencing?”, what would he or she say? For example, a man told me that if his wife were asked about his behavior, she would say that he is lazy and never helps around the house. While he disagreed, saying that he worked hard on outside chores, he knew he would have to do more inside tasks in order for her to feel that he was changing. Keep in mind that like the man in this example, you probably won’t agree with your spouse’s assessment of your behavior, and that’s okay.

Whatever pigeonhole your spouse has placed you into, this is the behavior you must change. Ask yourself: “What would I have to do differently for my spouse to think I’m changing?” You must surprise your spouse by handling the situation differently the next time. Any change might do as long as it is different enough for your spouse to notice. Be creative, use your imagination. The single guideline is: The next time you get into the situation where you feel tempted to do the same old thing, do something different. No matter how weird or crazy it might seem, do something you have never done before.

Take for example, my own experiences with my husband Jim:

Since I rarely prepare a homemade meal for dinner (my husband is the gourmet cook), I expect punctuality (and appreciation) when I do. Although my husband is generally considerate about informing me of his schedule, he occasionally “forgets,” returning home later than usual without a phone call to advise me of his plans. There seems to be an uncanny correlation between the extremely infrequent occasions I decide to prepare a meal and his “forgetting” to come home on time.

The sequence of events, when this occurs, is always the same.  Dinner is ready and I mumble about the food getting cold. I suggest to my daughter that we begin without dad so that our food will still be hot. She senses my growing impatience. Later (what seems like years later) the door opens and I carefully plan my revenge – I will silently pout until he asks me, “What’s wrong?” and then I will let him have it!

As he enters the room he greets us and seats himself, commenting about how good dinner smells. Then he cordially obliges by asking what I’m upset about and when I tell him, he accuses me of being unreasonable. Things generally deteriorate from there. This particular plan of attack never works. I know this but my behavior belies this awareness.

However, something unusual happened one particular evening. The dinner scene was unfolding as usual when he walked through the door thirty minutes late. I was rehearsing to myself what I would say when he asked the million-dollar question. He predictably entered the room, said hello to us, sat down and began to eat. A couple of minutes passed and he did not inquire, “What’s wrong?” “He’s probably starving,” I thought, reassuring myself that my attack was imminent. He then turned to my daughter and asked her how her day went in school. She launched into a ten-minute monologue consisting of the longest sentence I have ever heard. I thought she would never stop talking. After all, I was still waiting for my invitation to explode.

When she finally finished, instead of addressing me, my husband began to tell her some details of his day at work. She listened politely as I felt rage building inside: “What nerve, he didn’t ask me why I am pouting!” I waited a while longer, though I couldn’t help but become mildly interested in the conversation. Without realizing it, I found myself joining the discussion. The remainder of the meal was very pleasant.

When I realized what had happened I asked my husband why he decided to talk to our daughter instead of asking about my silence. He replied, “You always tell your clients to do something different when they get stuck, but you never follow your own advice. I thought I would give it a shot.”

It’s just awful to have your own weapons used against you.

2. Where Do Most of Your Arguments Occur?

Have you noticed that your battles usually occur in one particular location? Perhaps it’s the bedroom, living room, during visits to friends or family or in the car. What is the pattern to the locations of your fights? After you’ve identified your usual battlefields, try an entirely different location. For example, if you usually argue in the bedroom, start your discussion in the living room. Or you might consider discussing matters while on a walk around the block. Some couples go out for dinner to discuss their differences knowing that they will not let things get out of hand in a public place.

A colleague of mine once told a couple that the moment they felt a fight coming on they were to go to the bathroom and continue in there. The couple reported their trip to the bathroom made them start laughing and they were unable to continue sparring.

3. When Do Most of Your Arguments Occur?

When do you most often get into arguments with your spouse? Is it right after one or both of you return from work, right after a fight with the children, every Friday night, on the weekends?

Try Varying the Time of Day or Week You Deal with Bothersome Issues

If you usually fight the moment your spouse walks through the door at the end of the day, postpone it until after dinner. If you wait until weekends to work out your differences, try doing it during the week. If Friday nights are problematic, try talking things out Friday morning. Varying the time you confront a problem often changes the way it’s handled.

Keep Peak Performance Times in Mind

“Timing is everything,” people say, and while it may not really be everything, it is extremely important. People would be better off if they recognize the significance of timing. Clients tell me, “If she would just wait thirty minutes after I come so that I can unwind, I’d be happy to discuss it with her,” or “He wants to cuddle at eleven P.M. and by then, I’m exhausted. If he came upstairs with me at nine-thirty, we would still have a sex life,” or “I’ve noticed that if I talk to him on the phone when he is at work, he is not very warm.” When people act at the appropriate moment, they frequently get more of their needs met.

Ask yourself: “When am I most likely to get the kind of response I want from my spouse?” Even if you think that there never seems to be a good time to discuss things, some times are clearly worse than others. Avoid those times at all costs.

4. Who is More Likely to Handle Certain Issues?

Many years ago when I was a rookie therapist I had an experience which taught me a great lesson about problem solving. A colleague was working with a mother who was unable to get her eleven-year-old daughter to school in the morning. The mother said her daughter had a school phobia. The school psychologist was also working with the daughter to help her overcome her so-called phobia. The father left their home early in the morning for work each day and was not aware of the problem because his wife didn’t want to bother him with it.

But when the woman had to leave town suddenly because of a death in her family, the father reported to work later in the morning in order to take his daughter to school. Unaware of the girl’s “phobia,” he woke her, made her breakfast, prodded her along as she dressed, ignored her requests to stay home and drove her to school. When the mother returned, she couldn’t believe that her husband had gotten their daughter to school without a major confrontation. The girl’s school phobia had miraculously vanished! In light of this “miracle cure,” the father agreed that he would take the girl to school until regular attendance was more of a habit.

Vary Who Handles the Problem

The lesson I learned from this family was that one way to introduce novelty into the habitual handling of problems is to change who handles the problem. We cannot conclude that the father was a better parent, we can only conclude that in regard to the school problem, his actions, which differed greatly from his wife’s, did not trigger his daughter’s resistance about going to school.

Changing who is in charge of a particular decision or set of decisions can free couples from endless, unproductive debates about whose way of doing things is correct. Although there is rarely only one correct approach, this fact never stops people from trying to prove themselves champions in decision-making battles. As they debate, the problem persists and gains momentum.

The great news about all of this is that you don’t have to be an expert on what works in order to try something new. You just have to steer clear of what you know doesn’t work. Once you apply this very simple principle to your problem-solving efforts, you will be surprised at how quickly and efficiently you can bring about change.  That’s how you save marriage and prevent divorce. You don’t even have to wait for your partner to change. You can trigger change singlehandedly!!

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

The Foxes and The Rabbits

Several years ago something mysterious happened in Canada. The rabbit population had diminished drastically.  Intrigued by this, scientists searched for an explanation.  Although they thought the drop in the number of rabbits must have been caused by an illness, they could not indentify any.  A few years later, scientists again noticed something unexplainable: The rabbit population increased.  Adding to their perplexity, shortly thereafter it decreased once again. Still, scientists discovered no explanation for these variations in the rabbit population.  Additionally, at approximately the same time, population fluctuations of foxes were noticed. As before, scientists investigated illnesses which might have accounted for these fluctuations but, again, none were discovered.

By coincidence, reports about the cycles in the rabbit and fox populations were read by another scientist who then put together the pieces of the puzzle.  He noticed that as the number of foxes grew, the number of rabbits dimished, and when the number of rabbits grew, the number of foxes diminshed.  He figured that as the rabbit population multiplied, they provided an ample food source for the foxes, which resulted in larger numbers of foxes.  When the increased number of foxes ate the rabbits, the food supply vanished, which eventually resulted in the foxes dying off.  When the fox population declined, the rabbit population increased, creating a new food supply for the foxes.  This cycle was self-perpetuating.

The rabbit and fox story illustrates an important point. If one’s microscope is too narrowly focused, the meaning of an event may remain a mystery.  This principle also applies to marriages.  A wife’s behavior may seem as mysterious as the unexplained rise and fall of the rabbit population until viewed together with her husband’s actions.  In order to understand her behavior, thoughts and feelings, it is necessary to study his actions to see how the parts fit together.  I will use a couple I’ve worked with in the past as an example of this. Let’s call them Ann and Steve.

Ann called me to set up a marriage coaching appointment after reading in the newspaper about my approach to marital problems.  Ann had asked Steve to move out several weeks prior and, although she hoped things could be worked out between them, she worried that it might be too late.  The rejection she felt from Steve was more than she could bear.  She requested coming in alone for the first session.  Based solely on Ann’s description of their marriage problems and Steve’s actions during the last several years, one might have prematurely concluded that Steve’s behavior was insensitive, erratic and selfish and that she was lacking in good judgement when she married this immature man.

However, when Steve came in by himself for the second session he seemed a far cry from the man Ann had described.  In contrast, to Ann’s version of their life together, Steve thought he was the one who was rejected by Ann.  As he talked about the marriage and how their relationship unfolded, his actions took on new meaning.   The picture Ann had painted of Steve as an insensitive lout slowly melted as their marital interactions became evident.   Steve and Ann’s dilemma made perfect sense once the complex interplay between them was brought to light.

Ann’s Point of View

Ann, a professional woman in her early thirties, looked tired when she walked through my door the first time, the strain of the two-week separation from her husband showing on her face.  She tearfully explained that it was probably too late to save her marriage but, wanting to leave no stone unturned, she set up her meeting with me.  Ann told me that Steve was never big on communicating, but there had been virtually no communication at all for the past five years of their fifteen-year marriage.  I sensed Ann’s desperation and extreme loneliness as she reflected on what went wrong.  The marriage started going downhill when Melissa, their oldest of three, was born:

Steve was a doting father; no one could have been prouder.   We loved showing off Melissa to the world and we were getting along really well.  But then everything changed.   Steve joined a softball team two months after Melissa was born and he was gone a lot.  When he wasn’t playing baseball, he was practicing.  That would have been fine with me but he also stopped for a couple of beers after the games with his buddies.  It seemed like he was never home.

At first I tried asking him to spend more time at home but he didn’t seem interested in the least.  I even tried attending his softball games, but it wasn’t always so easy with the baby.  To say that I was lonely is an understatement.  My only outlet for human contact other than Melissa was my co-workers.   We talked a lot about our husbands at work and they all seemed the same.  Men!

From that point on, the situation only deteriorated.  When the softball season ended, he started playing football.   In between team sports, he joined a health club and worked out what seemed like eight days a week.  Then, as if all that weren’t enough, he took up golf.

I’m not exactly sure why we had two more kids knowing that our marriage was lousy.  Maybe I was hoping that having a baby would bring us closer like it did with Melissa in the beginning.  But, it didn’t – just the opposite.  Now we hardly speak to each other.  I stopped trying to spend time together years ago.   I think I stopped caring then too.  I have so much resentment about having to raise these three kids by myself, I’m not sure I can ever get past it.

Ann’s firm conviction that their problems were due to Steve’s actions was matched by Steve’s unwavering certainty that Ann was to blame for the problems in their marriage.

Steve’s Point of View

Steve willingly came in for a session and, just as willingly, shared his views on their marriage.  He immediately admitted that he was a quiet kind of guy, but added that Ann was not particularly open about her feelings either.  He recalled many times when, instead of telling him she was hurt or angry, she would just stew about something he had done.  Periodically, she would blow up and then things would be okay for a while.  During the last few years, Ann’s outbursts had ceased completely.  Now when he tried to ask her “What’s wrong?” or “Can I do something to help you feel better?” she always rejected his advances.  Eventually, like Ann, he also stopped trying.

Steve and Ann agreed on at least one thing: Melissa’s birth marked a turning point in their marriage.

Melissa was a real joy to me.   I felt really close to Ann after we had a baby; we had a great marriage.   I knew our lives would change tremendously with this new responsibility but I had no idea that I would lose Ann in the process.  All she cared about was Melissa. Melissa this, Melissa that.  She didn’t even notice when I came home from work at night.   Many times I suggest that we get a babysitter and go out alone, but she would never let anyone but family watch the baby.  Our friends got babysitters for their kids, so I couldn’t see why she was being so picky.  I think she just didn’t want to be alone with me for some reason.

As time passed, things got worse.   Even though it wasn’t logical, I started resenting Melissa. Being home was a drag.  Ann wasn’t fun anymore.  My buddies asked me to play ball or go out with them and I was happy that at least someone wanted to be with me.   Occasionally, Ann would make some nasty comment about my playing ball, but I think she was just jealous.   Her life was dull and mine wasn’t.

Gradually we became more like roommates.  She was not interested in sex anymore and it’s a real miracle we had two more kids.  It must have been the immaculate conception.  Each time I would try to be affectionate in order to feel close to her, she would recoil.   She accused me of just wanting to get laid, but she didn’t understand that I really wanted to feel connected.  The harder I tried, the further she pushed me away.   Sex and marriage should go hand and hand.  A guy can just take so much rejection.  I figured the next move was up to her, but the next move never happened.

Instead, out of the blue, she told me to move out.  She said she wanted some time to think, that it was only a separation, not a divorce.  In my book, moving out the start of a divorce.   I didn’t want to move out, but I also don’t want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t love me.

I know I haven’t been easy to live with and I probably haven’t spent as much time with the family as I should.  I’m willing to make changes for our marriage and our family.  But she has to let go of the past and tell me what she wants from me rather than holding everything in.  I’m sure we can work things out if she just gives it a chance.

The Circular Connection

If one were to ask Ann how their problems developed, she would point a finger at Steve.   She would say that Steve started the problem by withdrawing from her.   But if Steve were asked the same question, he would say that Ann caused their problem by shutting him out of her life.  Perhaps now, after reading both Ann’s and Steven’s perspectives, you can see how the pieces of the puzzle fit together.  Steve’s absences from home make sense in light of his feeling rejected by Ann, and Ann’s resentment of Steve makes sense in light of the distance he placed between him and his family.   Each person’s behavior is a response to an action or event which preceded it, while at the same time a trigger for that which follows it.

Rather than thinking about actions and reaction as being causally related (A causes B), for example, “If Steve spent more time at home, Ann would feel like having sex more often,” solution based therapists think about actions being related in a circular fashion (A leads to B leads to A and so on), for example, “she is less interested in sex because he’s not part of her life he is not part of her life because she isn’t interested in sex.”  Clearly, it is not an either/or proposition, it is both.  According to this view, it is impossible to determine blame or fault because there is no beginning or end to interactions. Attempting to assign blame results in the ultimate chicken-and-egg debate.

Think about the countless number of times you and your spouse have angrily tried to figure out who started a fight or who’s to blame for a particular problem.  “You started it” are words echoed throughout living rooms everywhere.  The process of determining blame rarely yields a consensus because although we are aware of our partner’s impact on our own thinking, feeling and behavior, we are not conscious of how we impact on our partner.  Ann was acutely sensitive to the ways in which Steve’s detachment affected her, but hadn’t a clue that Steve felt a similar sense of rejection because of her lack of attention toward him.

Conversely, Steve felt hurt that Ann seemed disinterested in him, but had no idea that his athletic pursuits left Ann feeling rejected.   Furthermore, neither of them recognized that their giving up by no longer pursuing each other was viewed by both of them as the ultimate sign of not caring.  Steve and Ann’s myopia was the result of too narrowly focused observations.  They missed the bigger picture – how their interactions meshed into an interlocking grid.

Now think about your own relationship.  Are there times when you know your partner is to blame for things gone wrong?   Do you place full blame on his or her shoulders?  If you were to complain to a friend about your partner’s actions, would it be reminiscent of the scientists hypothesizing about the “sick” rabbits?   Do yourself a favor.  When you think about a difficulty you and your partner are having, broaden out your microscope.  See how what your partner does triggers your actions and in turn, how your actions prompt your partner to respond in particular ways.  Just remember, that seeing it this way is arbitrary and it could just as easily start the other way around- how what YOU do prompts your partner to respond to you and in turn, you react. Remember, you are two pieces of a puzzle. A doesn’t cause B, A leads to B which leads to C, which leads to D, and so on. The good news about all of this is that either of you can decide to change your actions and therefore, the entire interaction will change! Presto, chango! Try it.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

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As a long-time observer of relationships, I can tell you that, like children, marriages go through different developmental stages and predictable crises. But because people are unfamiliar with the normal hills and valleys of marriage, these predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing over-reactions. Those who manage to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side with greater love and commitment to their spouses. That’s why I want to offer you a Marriage Map.

Stage One- Passion prevails

Head over heels in love, you can’t believe how lucky you are to have met your lover. Much to your amazement, you have so much in common: you enjoy the same hobbies, music, restaurants and movies. You can finish each other’s sentences. When you pick up the phone to call your partner, he or she is already on the line calling you. When little, annoying things pop up, they’re dismissed and overlooked.

At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well being and physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this romantic period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive attitudes and heighten sexuality and sensuality. While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to commit to spending the rest of their lives together. And marry, you do. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn’t at all what you expected it to be.

Stage Two- What was I thinking?

In some ways, stage two is the most difficult because it is here that you experience the biggest fall. After all, how many miles is it from bliss to disillusionment? Millions. For starters, reality sets in. The little things start to bother you. You realize that your spouse has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet, leaves magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, and never wraps food properly before it’s put in the refrigerator.

Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many, many differences between you. You’re confused. You argue about everything. When you remind yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start to understand the real meaning of eternity.

Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions, such as whether and when to have children, where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit in to your lives, and who will do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the next decade or so trying to get their partners to change, which triggers stage three.

Stage Three- Everything would be great if you changed

In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse’s way and your way, also known as the Right Way. And rather than brainstorm creative solutions, couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are wrong. That’s because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper and deeper.

Now is the time when many people face a fork in the marital road. Three choices become apparent. Convinced they’ve tried everything, some people give up. They tell themselves they’ve fallen out of love or married the wrong person and they divorce. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. But there are still others who decide that it’s time to begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Although the latter option requires a major leap of faith, those who take this leap are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.

Stage Four- That’s just the way s/he is

In stage four, we finally come to terms with the fact that we are never going to see eye-to-eye with our partners about everything and we have to figure out what we must do to live more peaceably. We look to others for suggestions; we seek religious counsel, talk to close friends and family, attend marital therapy, read self-help books, or take a relationship seminar. Those of us who are more private look inward and seek solutions there.

We more readily forgive our spouses for their hardheadedness, and recognize that we aren’t exactly easy to live with either. When disagreements occur, we make more of an effort to put ourselves in our partner’s shoes. We recognize that, as with everything in life, we have to accept the good with the bad. Fights happen less frequently and when they occur, they’re not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier years of marriage. And because we’re smart enough to have reached this stage, we reap the benefits of the fifth, and final stage.

Stage Five- Together, at last

It is really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage five, when all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to pay off. Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony. You start “liking” your spouse again.

By the time you reach stage five, you have a shared history. And although you’d both agree that marriage hasn’t been easy, you feel proud that you’ve weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner’s sense of commitment to making your marriage last. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin to appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. And what you don’t appreciate, you find greater acceptance for. If you have children, they’re older and more independent, allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days. And you start having “old day feelings” again. You have come full circle.

I’m certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they’d be more willing to tough it out through the downpour. The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking that whatever stage they are in at the moment, is where they will be forever. But it’s important to remember that nothing lasts forever. There are seasons to everything in life, including marriage. The wiser and more mature you become, the more you realize this. The more you realize this, the more time you and your spouse spend hanging out in stage five. Together again, at last.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

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