Getting Through to the Man You Love

How to Choose a Marital Therapist

It amazes me that most people decide to end their marriages without seeking professional help. The decision of whether to divorce or not is probably the most important decision anyone will ever make. Yet, the fact remains that only a minority of people in the throes of marital problems receive marriage counseling.

Truth be told, seeking professional advice for your marital problems is no guarantee things will improve. In fact, many people have told me that their so-called marriage therapy even made things worse. Most therapists are well-meaning, but not always qualified to do marital therapy. That’s why I want to offer some guidelines for you to consider should you seek professional help to prevent divorce.

• Make sure your therapist has received specific training and is experienced in marital therapy. Too often, therapists say they do couples therapy or marital therapy if they have two people sitting in the office. This is incorrect. Marital therapy requires very different skills than doing individual therapy. Individual therapists usually help people identify and process feelings. They assist them in achieving personal goals. “How do you feel about that,?” is their mantra.

Couples marriage counselors, on the other hand, need to be skilled at helping people overcome the differences that naturally occur when two people live under the same roof. They need to know what makes a marriage tick. A therapist can be very skilled as an individual therapist and be clueless about helping couples change. For this reason, don’t be shy. Ask your therapist about his or her training and experience.

• Make sure your therapist is biased in the direction of helping you find solutions to your marital problems rather than helping you leave your marriage when things get rocky. Feel free to ask about the therapist’s feelings about the point at which s/he sees divorce to be a viable alternative. Your therapist’s response will be very revealing.
• You should feel comfortable and respected by your therapist. You should feel that he or she understands your perspective and feelings. If your therapist sides with you or your spouse, that’s not good. No one should feel ganged up on. If you aren’t comfortable with something your therapist is suggesting- like setting a deadline to make a decision about your marriage- say so. If your therapist honors your feedback, that’s a good sign. If not, leave.
• The therapist’s own values about relationships definitely play a part in what he or she does and is interested in when working with you. Since there are few universal rules for being and staying in love, if your therapist insists that there is only one way to have a successful marriage, find another therapist.

Also, although some people think that their therapist is able to tell when a person should stop trying to work on their marriage, therapists really don’t have this sort of knowledge. If they say things like, “It seems that you are incompatible,” or “Why are you willing to put up with this,?” or “It is time to move on with your life,” they are simply laying their own values on you. This is an unethical act, in my opinion.

• Make sure you (and your partner) and your therapist set concrete goals early on. If you don’t, you will probably meet each week with no clear direction. Once you set goals, you should never lose sight of them. If you don’t begin to see some progress within two or three sessions, you should address your concern with your therapist.
• It’s my belief that couples in crisis don’t have the luxury to analyze how they were raised in order to find solutions to their marital problems. If your therapist is focusing on the past, suggest a future-orientation. If he or she isn’t willing to take your lead, find a therapist who will.
• Know that most marital problems are solvable. Don’t let your therapist tell you that change is impossible. Human beings are amazing and they are capable to doing great things- especially for people they love.
• Most of all, trust your instincts. If your therapist is helping, you’ll know it. If he or she isn’t, you’ll know that too. Don’t stay with a therapist who is just helping you tread water. Find one who will help you swim.
• Finally, the best way to find a good therapist is word-of-mouth. Satisfied customers say a lot about the kind of therapy you will receive. Although you might feel embarrassed to ask friends or family for a referral, you should consider doing it anyway. It increases the odds you’ll find a therapist who will really help you and your spouse.

So don’t give up on therapy, give up on bad therapy. You be the judge. There’s a lot to be gained from seeking the advice of a third party who can help you find simple solutions to life’s complicated problems. Happy divorce busting!

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

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2009 Copyright – Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.

The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, “Walk-away Wife” syndrome all about?

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren’t responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun… things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn’t possible. She ends up believing there’s absolutely nothing she can do because everything she’s tried hasn’t worked. That’s when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

While she’s planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner’s behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until “D Day.” Unfortunately, her husband views his wife’s silence as an indication that “everything is fine.” After all, the “nagging” has ceased. That’s why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, “I had no idea you were unhappy.”

Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it’s often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.

If you are a woman who fits this description, please don’t give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you’ve wanted it to be for so long?

If you’re a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She’s working hard to make your love stronger. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she’s the most important thing in the world to you.

Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your advances because she’s a soon-to-be walkaway wife. If so, read the posts on the divorcebusting.com messageboard. Don’t crowd her. Don’t push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she still has eyes… and a heart, you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

Read More of Michele’s Articles

2009 Copyright – Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.

Too Broke to Break Up

Call me an optimist, but in the midst of all the horrendous economic news, I see a silver lining.  Despite people’s lives being threatened by job loss, foreclosures and having trouble making ends meet, increasing numbers of couples are opting to stay together and make their marriages work.   Why? Because they have to, that’s why.  Couples simply don’t have enough money to hire attorneys, engage in protracted legal battles or even live in separate quarters.  In short, they’re staying together for the sake of the cash.  “Unromantic, bad reason to stick it out,” you say? Maybe, but don’t jump to hasty conclusions. Although financial hardship can’t be the only glue holding two people together, it can certainly be a place to start. 

I wish I had a dollar for each time a couple in my practice decide to stay together simply for pragmatic reasons- the sake of the kids, professional reasons, fear of being alone or even lack of motivation to begin divorce proceedings- and over time, things in their marriage improve to the point where there is a strong sense of relief that they narrowly averted marital disaster. I’d be independently wealthy if I had. But don’t just take my word for it.

In Maggie Gallagher’s well-respected and comprehensive book, The Case for Marriage, she highlights an interesting study that supports the idea of slowing things down when considering divorce. Couples who report that their marriages were at the bottom of the scale on marital satisfaction were asked to rate their marriages again five years later. The study found that 86% of these couples reported high marital satisfaction scores. Why the changes? They weren’t completely sure, however, it appears that hanging in there for better or for worse, not to mention for richer or poorer, can be a wait well worth its while.

So, I, for one, am all for speed bumps on the road to divorce. But make no mistake, I’m not proposing that people stay together and be miserable. I’m just convinced that troubled marriages can transform into a great ones which may just be the biggest payoff of all.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

“Why Can’t You Say It This Way?” | Psychology Today Blogs

Do you ever find yourself in the midst of heated conversation when, all of a sudden, your partner says something that just takes your breath away? S/he might as well stop talking at that point because you are no longer listening to a word being said. All you hear is that little voice inside your head bellowing, “I can’t believe he just said that,” “She is such a jerk.” You lick your wounds and prepare your retort.

But as you mull things over, you realize, “It’s not what he’s saying, it’s how he’s saying it,” or “If she would just word it differently, I might be able to respond less defensively.” So, in your effort to resurrect the conversation, you tell your spouse, “Why can’t you just say it this way,?” and you proceed to reword the statement in such a way that it feels less toxic. And just when you think you should receive the Nobel Peace prize for your obvious communication acumen, your spouse replies with an ungrateful, “Why do you always try to tell me what to say and how to say it,?” or “Since you know what I should be saying, why don’t you just have a conversation by yourself?”

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

If you’re someone who tries to educate your spouse as to the best way to approach you, you want to be sure to hit the “share this” button below so that you can get the word out to him or her that at least one expert agrees with you. If you, on the other hand, are someone who feels offended that your spouse always seems to be trying to put words into your mouth, please read on. This could be marriage-saving advice.

I have worked with several couples last week whose patterns of communication closely resemble the example offered above. In trying to get his wife to use what therapists refer to as “I-messages,” a strategy that assumes personal responsibility for feelings and leads to less defensiveness, one man said, “I wish you would stop saying that I’m controlling when I ask you to spend less time on the phone at night. Instead, why can’t you say, ‘When you tell me to get off the phone at night, I feel controlled by you.’ I could handle that. But when you tell me that I try to control you and everything you do, I get really angry. I don’t try to control you even if you think I do. My being controlling is not why I want you to spend less time on the phone.” “Well put,” I thought, but apparently his wife thought otherwise. In fact, she took his suggestion as further evidence that he was manipulating.

Chances are, even if you’re the sort who detests when your spouse “tells you what to say,” you might see the logic in the previous example. It just makes good sense that people should take responsibility for their feelings rather than ascribe malicious intent to their partner’s actions. But consider the next example and see if you can understand why things can get a bit more ambiguous.

A woman in my practice asked her husband not use a particular word that for her, was emotionally-laden. But her husband felt that his choice of words best described his feelings and was unwilling to use a less inflammatory alternative. Furthermore, he didn’t like being told what to do. Suffice it to say, their conversation didn’t go too well.

Language is an extremely powerful tool. The words we choose can mean the difference between loving, constructive conversations which result in real intimacy, or verbal competitions ending in misunderstanding, emotional distance, and even divorce. With that in mind, the next time you hear, “Why can’t you say it this way,” remind yourself that your spouse is not saying, “If you want to talk to me, remember, I am the playwright. Your only job is to memorize your lines. Don’t improvise,”-that’s not what this plea is about. Your spouse is really saying, “Please be gentle. Say what you need to say in a way that I can hear you and not become defensive.” Then, honor the request. Back up a step or two and try again- even if you think your spouse is over-reacting. Do it as an experiment. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

The NEW New Year’s Resolution

There’s a saying, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” It’s true, which makes setting New Year’s resolutions a very pragmatic activity. But if you’re like most people, as you’re shifting into that, “turning-over-a-new-leaf mode” and thinking about ways to improve your life, your mind starts to meander to those ten extra pounds you’ve been lugging around or those cigarettes you’ve been smoking despite the inconvenience of having to go outside in freezing temperatures or that urge that has been creeping up on you every evening to have just one more night cap. And when you’re done thinking about all the vices you should quit, you check your calendar to see if this will be the year that you finally take that finance class over at the local community college. There’s no question about it, you want to be thinner, richer, healthier and smarter.

But the truth is, when nearly one out of every two marriages ends in divorce, why is it that people are so busy worshipping the Personal Improvement God/dess rather than focusing on the improvements we can make to our important relationships? Why don’t spouses sit down together and truly think about where they want to be six months or a year from now, setting relationship-oriented goals that can make marriages richer, healthier and longer lasting? Why not forego the cash you’d be shelling out for a Personal Trainer and get some Interpersonal Training to make your marriage more buff? And if this seems like a foreign idea, I’m going to help you out a bit. I will give you some tips for setting Relationship Resolutions for 2009. Ready?

You should do this exercise with your partner. Commit your responses to writing. Start by asking yourselves:

What are you hoping to change or improve about your marriage?

Make sure that your goals are positively stated so that they are requests for change rather than complaints

When I ask couples what they’re hoping to improve about their marriages, they usually reply with a complaint. For example, I hear, “I wish my husband weren’t so sloppy.” Criticisms typically result in defensiveness which as you undoubtedly know, leads to unnecessary escalation and unrewarding problem-solving effots. Plus, if your husband being “less sloppy” were to be the goal, you are still focusing on the problem- sloppiness. Instead, it is much more solution-oriented to ask yourself, “When my husband becomes less sloppy, what will he be doing instead? What will replace the messiness?” Your response to this question will be a request for change rather than a complaint. For example, you may think, “When my husband becomes less sloppy, he will pick up is wet towel from the floor” or “He will empty the dishwasher in the evening.” Watching for helpfulness rather than scanning for sloppiness can go a long way to changing relationship dynamics.

Make sure your responses are action-oriented

Too often people have vague or half-baked goals. They say, “I want you to be more affectionate,” or “Our marriage needs to be more exciting,” or “Why can’t you just show a little respect?” Unfortunately, everyone has his or her own definition of “affectionate,” “excitement,” or “respect.” If you want your spouse to try to hit the mark, your expectations have to be clear. As much as you might love your spouse to be a mind reader, there really is no such thing. So, if your goal is to have your spouse be more affectionate, you need to use action-oriented words to explain what you need. Say things like, “I want you to hug me without being sexual,” or “I would really like it if you would sit next to me on the couch when I watch television, even if you’re not all that interested in what I’m watching,” or “Stop what you’re doing when I come home from work and give me a kiss.” The clearer you can be, the better.

Make sure your goals are do-able in a short period of time

One mistake people make is setting goals that are too grandiose and because of that, they run out of steam before their goals are accomplished. Since nothing breeds success like success, you need to break your goals down to small do-able chunks, things you and your spouse can accomplish in a week or two. Then, when you see small changes, you will feel inspired to continue the hard work you’re doing to make things better. Let me give you an example.

I worked with a couple who spent very little time together and, as a result, had little in common. That’s why they sought my help. They felt they had grown apart. When I asked them what they were hoping to change or improve about their relationship, they told me that they wanted to feel intensely in love again and feel more connected something they hadn’t felt for a very long time. I assured them that that was an admirable goal, but I wondered what might happen in the next week or two that would be a sign that they were moving in the right direction. They decided that if they went out on a date night once each week, spent at least ten minutes each night talking about their day, and gave each other 2 or 3 daily compliments, they would feel they were making a hearty effort to get their marriage back on track.

As you think about your goals, ask yourself that same question, “What would be one or two small things that my partner and I could do this week that would make us both feel that we are on track to accomplishing our goal?”
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Goal-setting is nothing new or earth-shattering. Successful people in all walks of life know the wisdom of a clear and concrete vision for the things they want to achieve. But setting goals to bring more love, passion and connectedness into your life may not be something you’ve ever done before. So before the clock strikes twelve on December 31st, why not create your Relationship Resolutions and make 2009 the best ever for you and your partner? What do you think?

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

Love Interrupted

If you have read the posts on my blog, you know that I am the “Divorce Buster” and that my posts are primarily about marriage. Today, I will take out time from my marital musings to write about a personal experience so profound, that it has nearly stopped me dead in my tracks.

Five weeks ago, I received a phone call from a policeman that I will never forget for as long as I live. He matter-of-factly told me that my 84-year-old mother had been involved in a car accident. There had been a light dusting of snow that morning and although the roads were clear, my mother hit black ice as she drove on an overpass. Her car swerved out of control, hit a guard rail which then punctured the car and pinned her until she was later cut out and flown by helicopter to a city hospital. Frozen with fear, I demanded to know about her condition and he replied, “I don’t know.” Without any words of consolation, he informed me of the name of the hospital where she would be taken. My daughter and I raced to the hospital only to discover that my mother had already died.

I knew my mother would die some day…everyone does, but I never even mildly entertained the possibility that her life would end in this sudden, tragic way. My mother was a courageous, resilient fighter. She was a Holocaust survivor who found meaning in life by helping others in her capacity as a therapist. For many years, she was Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ right-hand person in Europe. Besides assisting people with grief, she taught them about forgiveness and self-acceptance. Although a German Jew whose life was forever altered by the Nazi regime, my mother often helped guilt-ridden Germans who, although not personally responsible for war atrocities, were nonetheless crippled with emotional pain. She taught these Germans about self-love and forgiveness, an endeavor not completely understood by some relatives who harbored deep anger and resentment over their substantial losses in life. But my mother was a lover of life and of people. She understood as no others about the importance of letting go and being in the present moment. She loved unconditionally and spread her philosophy in the workshops she offered throughout the world and with people she met everywhere- at the post office, airport, grocery store or while sitting in a waiting room in a doctor’s office. In a sense, she was a Johnny Appleseed of love.

The holocaust wasn’t the only challenge in my mother’s life. She survived two rounds of colon cancer and more recently, breast cancer. Prior to her death, she was totally in remission and triumphant because of it.

So, the fact that I was sitting in a hospital room with my daughter being told that some freak accident took my mother’s life was more than I could fathom. I was so very close to my mom- my mentor and best friend- I wasn’t sure I could take my next breath.

It’s about six weeks post-accident now and I’m still breathing. I’m trying hard to focus on our great memories, the joy, unconditional love and support that she brought to my life. But the truth is, the pain tends to cloud my vision. Pain also robs me of the comfort of uninterrupted sleep. Solitary time in the wee hours of morning while the rest of the world sleeps has given me time to think and I want to share some of my reflections with you.

No one gets out of here alive
I always thought that accidents or horrendous events are things that happen to other people, that my life and my loved ones lives are immune to tragedies such as this. How naive. Random tragic acts happen all the time. That’s the bad news. The good news is that they should serve as a reminder to:

Live each day fully. Don’t put off until tomorrow to do or say the things that are really important to you. Tomorrow may never come. Don’t feel anxious about the frailty of life, embrace it. It can be a gift.

Although you can’t do anything about mistakes in the past, you can live your life today in such a way that tomorrow will make you proud and give you serenity.

Don’t have emotional cut offs in your life. Put aside meaningless pettiness with the people you love. A couple of family members allowed their differences with my mother to keep them distant for long periods of time despite her efforts to reconcile. Today, their regret is profound. Don’t make the same mistake in your life. Even if you feel that you’ve been wronged, forgive. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Holding a grudge takes an enormous emotional, spiritual and psychological toll. Letting go, on the other hand, frees you from the shackles of the past.

Talk about death
Because of my mother’s work with Kubler Ross and her own propensity for talking about tough subjects, I know my mother’s thoughts about death. I know that she helped many, many families whose loved ones were dying. She encouraged them to talk about their feelings about life and death. She coached people to give their loved ones the encouragement or support they needed to let go when the time was right. She helped them say goodbye. My mother was a mid-wife of sorts, guiding people through life’s final transition. Thankfully, I knew she had no fear of death. Her only wish was to go quickly. And that she did.

If you or someone you love has failing health, make sure you don’t allow your sadness, fear about death or discomfort talking about hard subjects to stand in the way of your having important conversations with them. Have the courage to lead the way. Often, people who are dying really want to talk about their feelings and can’t because everyone around them fears the conversation. Don’t be afraid. Connect. I would do anything to have one more chance to say goodbye to my mother. Maybe you still have that chance. Don’t waste it.

The importance of letting go
My mother’s final lesson to me is, without question, the most difficult. It’s about letting go. It seemed that in her own life, no matter what challenge she encountered, she found a way to accept and embrace it, to learn from it and to let go. My mother had developed great skill in doing what Buddhists refer to as “living in the now.” At this point in my grieving, it’s hard to imagine that I will ever be able to follow her lead and find a way to accept what is and be at peace with my loss. But it’s as if my mother’s voice has stayed with me. Just when I think that despair has kidnapped my life, I hear my mother’s admonishments and reminders. She would not want me to suffer. She would want me to love life, myself and others. She would want me to embrace what is, move forward with life and catch glimpses of her essence in nature- the mountains that are out my window, the flowers in the spring, the golden aspens of Fall and the blooming African violet plants that she left behind. She would want me to let go of the pain and see the beauty around me, cherish the joy we shared and the love I was blessed to have had my whole life. But unfortunately, I’m not quite there yet. And rather than condemn myself for falling short of this expectation so soon after her death, I can hear my mother’s familiar comforting words, “Michele, trust the process.” And so I will.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

Confessions of a Mother in Mourning

Last week in Boulder, Colorado where I live, the heat wave broke. We had torrential rain, which is totally uncharacteristic of our desert-like climate, and vastly cooler temperatures when the sky cleared. For the most part, in a place where air conditioners are either non-existent or politically incorrect and swamp coolers rule, you’d think that relief would be the expected response. And truth be told, there was some of that. But lying just below the surface was the undeniable fact that Fall is upon us.

Now, if you’ve ever been to Boulder when the Aspens turn brilliant gold and the maples show off their amazing orange and magenta hues, you would think that Fall would inspire nothing less than ecstasy. But for me, despite my awe of Nature in action, Fall means fall, which my thesaurus defines as plunge, descend, plummet. Yup, that’s me. And when I tell you why, I know that it’s not only me; I’m in good company.

You see, although my children are grown- ages 28 and almost 23- I confess that I am still not happy that they have left the nest. Yes, please don’t write unkind comments about the fact that children are supposed to grow up and leave home and be happy, functional adults, I know that. I also know I would be very concerned if that were not the case. But it is. Yet, I miss their being home with us. I confess. I long for the times when all three beds were filled. (My husband and I sleep in the same bed unless he snores.) My youngest is just about to graduate from college and I’m still not completely used to the idea that he doesn’t live at home anymore. Call me a slow learner. I just don’t like it.

But why now? Why has this resistance to change resurfaced in the last few days? It seems like every Fall I’m reminded of kids going off to school. I see little ones getting on the school bus for the first time. I can’t help but notice young moms at the grocery store buying school supplies, juice boxes and brown paper lunch bags. I can’t help but notice that I’m not. I have friends whose children are going off to college as freshman. I see the bittersweet looks on their faces. I think to myself, “You think that parenting was hard, wait until they’re gone!” I recall not being able to remember who was crying harder in the car on the way to drop my daughter off at her orientation as a freshman. I tried to hide my tears but how do you mute Niagra Falls?

And lest you think that I am simply an over-the-top, enmeshed mother, I’ll have you know that when I finally got the nerve to discuss this yearning with other women, I quickly learned that this back-to-school sadness may just be an epidemic. Apparently, there are more mourning moms than I imagined. The interesting thing is that my confidantes were a mixture of both stay-at-home moms and moms with busy, high-powered careers. It mattered not. We were all perfect messes. In the same way that no one can prepare you for what it’s like to welcome a newborn into your life, no one can give you sense of the longing that often occurs when your not-so-little ones spread their wings. Although I remind myself that my children’s leaving home is all part of life’s normal transitions, letting go just isn’t for sissies.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

“I didn’t mean to have an affair, it just happened.”

Having been a therapist for a very long time has afforded me the opportunity to meet    people from all walks of life with varied opinions, personalities, strengths and idiosyncratic quirks. I’m never bored, rarely shocked and almost never angered. But take note, the operative word here is “almost.”

I have lost count of the number of times when a spouse who’s been unfaithful says, “I wasn’t looking for an affair, it just happened.” It’s as if these people were simply going about their day, minding their own business and alas, they suddenly find themselves stark naked in hotel rooms having breathless, passionate sex as if there’s no tomorrow. It just happens? Uh, I don’t think so.

Affairs aren’t spontaneous; they require careful planning and decision-making. Often, the choices people make that pave the way for an affair- dinner with a co-worker, meeting an old boyfriend or girlfriend for a drink after work just to catch up, having lunch with an attractive, single neighbor on a regular basis or sending a lengthy Christmas update to a long lost heart throb- can seem relatively innocent. But one dinner date or late night conversation often leads to another and another and another. The talk becomes more personal. Confessions of marital dissatisfaction bubble to the surface prompting empathy and support. People tell themselves, “I just needed someone to talk to. I wanted input from someone of the opposite sex.” But you don’t need a degree in psychology to know that the implicit message in these conversations is, “I’m unhappily married. Want to fool around?” You can tell yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong, but the truth is, it’s a sheer, slippery slope.

Then there is alcohol, the inhibition-buster that “made me do it.” And while it’s true that many a bad decision has been made while under the influence, unless like teenagers in Cancun on spring break, people’s mouths are forced open and alcohol poured down their throats, having a drink is a decision. Having two drinks is two decisions. You can do the math on the rest of the story.

What about bad marriages? Don’t they justify being unfaithful? After all, life is short. We only have one go around, right? What’s always amazed me is how differently people react to similar circumstances. I’ve met people whose spouses refused to have sex for years and although that made them miserable, they simply could not cheat. I’ve met other people who, when their relationships hit predictable bumps in the road, rather than work things out, they sought comfort in the arms of strangers. Unhappy marriages don’t cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity.

Nevertheless, life is short and feeling lonely in marriage is no way to live. But dulling one’s pain through the instant gratification of hot sex or emotional closeness with someone who doesn’t argue with you about bills, children or the in-laws isn’t an effective or lasting way to fix what’s wrong. In fact, infidelity complicates life enormously for everyone involved, a fact that should not be minimized when planning the next “just friends” Starbucks break.

People who say their affairs just happened aren’t necessarily intentionally trying to cover their asses or justify their behavior; they often truly believe what they’re saying. They simply lack insight or awareness of the ways in which their actions, however subtle, have created their current predicaments. But in the same way that affairs don’t just happen, neither does healing from betrayal. Unless those who have strayed look inward and take personal responsible for the paths their lives have taken, they will not be able to get back on track when they’ve gotten derailed. In my view, being unconscious just doesn’t cut it.

Michele Weiner Davis is the creator of the Divorce Busting Centers, learn more on how you can solve marriage problems and stop divorce. Follow me on Twitter @divorcebusting, add my Divorce Busting Facebook Page, and subscribe to the Divorce Busting YouTube Videos for more advice and upcoming marriage saving events.

Michele Weiner-Davis – Divorce Busting

Welcome to the Divorce Busting Blog.

I know that you have come here because you are having problems in your marriage and you desperately want solutions.  You have come to the right place.  Since the early eighties, I have devoted myself to helping couples make their marriages work  and keep their families together.

Too many people make the decision to divorce without really understanding the impact divorce will have on everyone they love.  Unfortunately, many end up feeling that divorce causes more problems than it solves. I wholeheartedly want to help you find ways to motivate your spouse to work on your marriage so that you and your children (if you have them) won’t become another divorce statistic.

I feel very optimistic about this goal because over the years, I have helped thousands of couples resolve their differences and reinvent their relationships.  So, in addition to all the information you will find on my website, www.divorcebusting.com, you will be able to read my thoughts about relationships here. Come back often to visit.  I will help you get your marriage back on track.